In my family, the word ‘fine’ has at least ten different meanings.

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The holiday season, often associated with joy and togetherness, can also bring underlying family tensions to the surface. A recent survey by Trust & Will revealed that nearly 40% of families report open disagreements during holiday gatherings, with one-third of these conflicts escalating into lasting family rifts (Trust & Will).

​These tensions often mirror the pressures we face at work: differing opinions, high emotions, and the struggle to feel heard. Mastering High CQ (Communication Quotient™) is essential in these moments. High CQ is about connecting with empathy, clarity, and purpose, even when the stakes are high. 

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Why we slip into Low CQ Competitive Listening

When tension rises, it's easy to slip into Competitive Listening, where we stop listening to understand and instead listen to respond. This reflex is rooted in several factors:

• Lack of preparation: When we're pulled into a debate off guard, this often leads us to rely on preconceptions to feel grounded. Research on disaster readiness shows that lack of preparation increases stress and reactive behaviors, making meaningful dialogue harder.
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• Cognitive overload: High-stakes conversations drain mental energy, meaning we lose the capacity for deep, active listening and the ability to process new information effectively. 
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• Need for validation: Psychologist Dr. Roy Sugarman explains that humans are hardwired to seek recognition, especially when under pressure. While asserting our opinions offers brief satisfaction, it can hinder genuine connection.

If we educate ourselves on the  tools to manage these reflexes, we can  shift from reactive to reflective responses and ultimately create space for collaborative, constructive conversations.

Scenario: A holiday table tension

Imagine this: you’re heading to a family holiday meal, anticipating both joy and apprehension. Last year, a discussion about family traditions spiraled out of control. The thought of a repeat performance weighs on you, but this time, you’re determined to handle things differently.

This year, armed and prepared with High CQ principles, you decide to steer clear of contentious topics and focus on fostering a more harmonious atmosphere. If an uncomfortable topic arises, you’ve prepared responses that reflect curiosity, not combativeness.

This approach transforms the interaction into building bridges, rather than putting up walls, which could lead to a chaotic clash.

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1. Set the tone with intention

Before the gathering, take a moment to reflect: does engaging in a particular conversation serve a constructive purpose? If the answer is no, there’s no harm in staying silent or steering the conversation to lighter topics. This isn’t avoidance, it’s intention.

If you decide to engage, focus on understanding rather than persuading. For example, if someone brings up a potentially contentious topic, you might say, “I’m curious - what led you to that perspective?” This shifts the tone from defensive to collaborative, helping keep the conversation thoughtful and balanced.

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2. Navigate the conversation with non-combative curiosity

It’s tempting to engage in a topic when emotions run high, especially when we feel passionately about it. But if the goal is to keep the peace and maintain meaningful conversations, the key is to express curiosity without trying to win.  Research shows that curiosity helps reduce defensiveness and increases openness in discussions, fostering more productive outcomes (Kashdan et al., 2018).

If a family member brings up a touchy subject, rather than reacting emotionally, ask neutral, open-ended questions like, “That’s interesting—can you tell me more about why you see it that way?” This shifts the focus from confrontation to exploration, opening doors for dialogue while diffusing tension. Curiosity opens doors, while defensiveness closes them.

3. Be prepared to deflect when necessary

Not every topic demands engagement, especially when emotions run high. Strategic avoidance is a proven method for preserving relationships and managing conflict (Gross & Thompson, 2007).

If a discussion begins to escalate, use a light-hearted comment or gentle redirection: “Let’s save the heavy topics for another day. How about we focus on this amazing dessert instead?” Knowing when to step back is an act of self-regulation, allowing you to maintain harmony without compromising your peace.

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4. Reflect after the conversation

Reflection is key to growth. Studies on metacognition suggest that evaluating our interactions helps us refine our approach and improve future conversations (Schraw et al., 2006).

After the gathering, ask yourself: did I manage to stay calm? Did I listen without trying to control the conversation? Acknowledging small wins, like diffusing tension or maintaining curiosity, reinforces your High CQ skills.

And remember, you can’t control others’ behavior, only your own. Focus on your progress, and if appropriate, share CQ principles with close family members in a gentle, private moment.

Choose connection, not conflict

At the end of the day, holiday meals don’t have to be about who’s right and who’s wrong. 

By navigating conversations with curiosity and understanding, we can prevent the energy from devolving into chaotic shouting. The result? A more peaceful, connected, and ultimately meaningful family gathering.

So this year, let’s decide: will we put up walls, or will we build bridges?

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^References: 

^{Kashdan, T. B., Sherman, R. A., Yarbro, J., & Funder, D. C. (2018). Curiosity and openness as predictors of interpersonal closeness. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 44(9), 1233-1248.}

^{Gross, J. J., & Thompson, R. A. (2007). Emotion regulation: Conceptual foundations. In J. J. Gross (Ed.), Handbook of Emotion Regulation (pp. 3-24). Guilford Press.}

^{Schraw, G., Crippen, K. J., & Hartley, K. (2006). Promoting self-regulation in science education: Metacognition as part of a broader perspective on learning. Research in Science Education, 36(1-2), 111-139.}